Whenever I’m about to talk about something I especially care about, I usually pause.  I’m not sure why exactly this happens.  I just know that it’s completely contrary to when someone is talking about something that I don’t care at all about, or that even adversely affects my psyche.  When someone is talking about something that is mundane to me I just politely listen as long as I can till I start to get really fidgety and crazy like, I hold as long as I can.  I even interject with proper things at proper points.  But it is a big chore.  I understand it as working a job purely to obtain money.  You do it as long as you can, and fight off the extreme pull in the opposite direction.  There are things out there that interest me, that I’m passionate about.  But they are like rare jewels or rich chocolate, they are sparse in my personal environment.  I try to keep them low as to still enjoy them when they come about.  I have been described as psychopathic by one of my good friends, but he didn’t make it out to be a bad thing.  I appreciated that.  Usually people just don’t know what to do with me.  Heck I don’t even know what to do with myself most of the time.  That’s why I appreciate alcohol and other depressants or distractions.  I have a pretty good idea of what direction I would like to go, but naturally (human) things generally go against this.  I kind of understand this.  It’s a constant struggle.  People rarely say things about me, so aside from my personal judgement, I have very little to go on.  I don’t have the comfort philosophy that most people seem to have.  My baseline is silence.  When I go too far or stuff gets to be to overbearing sometimes I need to just release all the activity and just watch.  Because I must watch.

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