I’ve been in a big struggle for a very long time.  My struggle has always been internal, my enemy always myself.  How to find a career?  Money must be made, bills must be paid.  Star Trek is not a reality yet.  Yet I am Spock in a sense.  Most of the emotions have dropped off but there is a tenacious desire for them to linger so I can pretend.  I can’t explain what I want and I rarely want what I explain.  It drops off immediately after.  I have a disdain for the contrived I don’t know why.  It’s like a wide eyed shy from a horse.  I can’t show further.


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