I’ve been in a big struggle for a very long time. My struggle has always been internal, my enemy always myself. How to find a career? Money must be made, bills must be paid. Star Trek is not a reality yet. Yet I am Spock in a sense. Most of the emotions have dropped off but there is a tenacious desire for them to linger so I can pretend. I can’t explain what I want and I rarely want what I explain. It drops off immediately after. I have a disdain for the contrived I don’t know why. It’s like a wide eyed shy from a horse. I can’t show further.