Beep Beep Boop!

Ok.  This is pretty ridiculous.  For some reason, having the pretty girly girl around when I’m working on this thing is a no no.  She just left to look at our maternity pictures so it leaves me a nice window of uninterrupted space (love you Hun :p).  I don’t know why but writing and having the possibility of someone being a peeping tom while I’m at it stops the writing immediately.  I know full well that I’m not writing anything so important that she or anyone else shouldn’t peep it in the process but this doesn’t help at all.  I just can’t do it.  Here she is and here me is and here we is together:

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See how I hog even the picture.

So a very brief rundown on what’s been happening around these parts since I last posted.  (This should also shed light on why my earlier posts may have seemed a bit retarded.  I wanted to put esoteric but retarded is probably the correct choice).

If you remember, my first post was about self improvement.  Well something is happening but it seems that “self improvement” is also incorrect.  As it turns out it is about self disappearance (lets get self faded!{sorry}), not self improvement.  There will be decent bit of Buddhist-esque nonsense type jargon in here because it is what I have been immersed in for the past few years.  Anyway, it seems that surrender is a key action here, which leads to opening of all kinds of doors, windows and so on.  So.  Back to the brief rundown:

A (former) close friend that had a falling out with me posts something on Facebook.

Something like:  “For my family and loved ones I’m finally going to be the man I’ve always known I was meant to be, I’m done running away.”

To me this sounded suspiciously close to epiphanic or major revelation like and I wanted to get me some too.  What had happened?

I paid him a visit and was promptly informed (after a few minutes of pretense about business) that my friend had finally contacted…wait for it…GOD.  Yes God.  If you know me at all, you know that I have all kinds of beef with this thing this term this feeling (God) and all the history, religious connotations, dogmatic ritual, self righteous manipulation and so on, and they are not very positive connotations.  But I trust my friend and I trust that something has most certainly changed.  I explained in no uncertain terms my feelings about this word (God).  He didn’t try to sell me on the term, he sold me on the action his life was taking.  I bought it.  I don’t purchase many things, here is a very cautious customer.  So I gave it up too.  I surrendered.  I sought out help, I hurled my requests, my pleas, my dreams, my ideas, my fears up and out into the ether, shooting out towards the stars.  Into the noosphere.  And things started happening.  Nick said “empty your cup, and let Him fill it.”  I did.  I do.  It is different.  It has not the worry, not the anxiety, not the feeling of the world on my shoulders.  AA, whenever they talk about this higher power talk in terms of anonymity, and always follow “higher power” with “as you understand it to be.”  This is simplicity.

So back to my “retarded” earlier posts.  I was drinking (alcohol) during nearly all of them, and now I’m not.  You might, if you read them closely enough, be able to detect a slight difference in my writing now versus then.  So…

When first re-acquainting myself with my friend, I mentioned that it would be a good idea for my to go to an AA meeting.  He agreed, and we talked a bit about addictions.

About a week later, at the gym I “randomly” ran into a guy I used to skate with often at the local skatepark.  I didn’t know his name and he didn’t know mine.  We exchanged numbers.  As it turns out he had been leading the perfect shitstorm of a life for the past 10 or so years, immersed in all kinds of drugs, alcohol, stimulants and so on.  He hit some approximation of a rock bottom and entered himself into AA and NA.  He had 90 some odd days sober when he ran into me.  So I followed the signpost, had my little internal battle, won, and asked if I could attend an AA meeting with him.  He explained the meeting format, said it’s not for everyone, said that it helped him.  There was no persuasion on his part whatsoever.  So I went.

The drinking fell off.

At the end of the first meeting I was explaining to one of the members that the meeting felt like how church always should have been but never was (at least my church/es).  It’s just a bunch of dudes getting together and letting their feelings out like a bunch of women and feeling a million times better afterward (this is a men only meeting).  There is little to no judgement involved, not that they won’t call you on your shit if you try it, which is how it should be.

Things start happening if you are ready, willing and open.   Surrender the petty “little me” and you will be filled with something much much better.

Oh and an update to the Kitten post, a sad update:  Kitten did come home a few days later.  Then a few weeks after that, he got really sick.  Really really sick, he was making terrible moaning sounds.  Kim took him to the emergency vet (12am), I got off work early and met her there.  They told us that he had a urethra block (fancy words for can’t pee), and that without an operation he would die a painful death from urine poisoning in a few days and this is if his bladder didn’t explode first.  This operation would be $3600.  We took him home with the hopes that he would make it until morning so we could go to a day vet and maybe it would be less expensive.  At home we could tell that he was in more and more pain, he tried to pee, his stomach was heaving, he was moaning it was incredibly sad.  We knew that we didn’t have the money even if it was lowered to $2000 or something.  We both realized what we had to do, and through the tears we carried him, trying not to hurt him too much because all movement was painful…back to the car, back to the vet.

I held him as they injected the first solution to put him to sleep, then the second injection to stop his heart.  I’ve never had a loved one die in my arms before.  :(:(:(:(

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4 thoughts on “Beep Beep Boop!”

  1. Hey Gapawa, I tried to like this post but nup, it only sent me to FB. I was going to have a little chat here anyway so here I am… connecting. OK first up, the universe, whoever whatever that is, brought me to your door. I was randomly in the Freshly Pressed and found Dan Koop. Fascinated by his thought train I ran the rails down the comments and there you were, full of incredible energy and ready for the next step. I couldn’t resist. Read my blog, I say shamelessly. And you did (well, at least a tiny morsel … thankyou). I hope to share/exchange and unravel over time. Good luck with the new babe and give my love to Kim as I imagine she’s feeling a bit sore at the moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jeni! I’m glad you found me:) I’m like a baby bird that’s just fallen out of the nest and is trying to find his wings before SPLAT! This place is nutso right?! (Being alive and aware in general wherever and however that may be)

      I look forward to living vicariously through your posts as it looks like you’re making a good romp of it! Let’s keep in touch:) I’ll be posting some baby pics in a bit.

      Liked by 1 person

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