Hey guys. We are past the 20 day mark, it should be somewhat of a habit now. Not indulging in nicotine that is. It has been a bit of a rough ride, though I cannot directly connect too much of it to nicotine or the lack thereof. I have had a number of rage days. One of them turned into a blog post (see Seething Rage). As far as doing what I set out to do, i.e. posting here as a replacement action to using nicotine, I did not do. You all have definitely helped however, it feels to me that what is true in AA is true here as well. They say that 50% of the power an addiction has on you is IMMEDIATELY removed when you tell someone else about the situation. This has been true in my experience, with both alcohol and nicotine. With alcohol, ALL of its power was removed when I walked into AA and committed. I have not considered drinking or felt an urge since then, which was late December 2016. I’m getting more and more signs that I need to get out of ridesharing (Uber/Lyft). If you didn’t know, I’ve been doing ridesharing as a means to money since late last year, essentially on the same timeline as not drinking. I’ve been making the 3 hour drive from central California to San Francisco and back, putting in 40-50 hours of driving 120+ strangers from point A to point B, WEEKLY.
I also drive for Lyft, I’d say I’m well over 5,000 total rides on both platforms.
For 4-5 days a week, I’m waking up in a strange neighborhood. Away from Kim and baby. Right now it’s sunrise.
I sleep in the car, and wash up in public bathrooms. I’m driving from sunup to sunset, and beyond. There is no recreation involved, aside from some stretching that I throw in occasionally. Or the occasional visit to a landmark (Mrs. Doubtfire house, RIP Robin Williams).
The people that come in and out of the car have all coalesced into a single mass. This mass is mostly uninteresting, though I’m aware that it could be, if I poke and prod, act interested, ask questions and so on. I don’t love or hate these people, they are just sort of there. Then they are not there. I have put 50,000 miles on this car since I bought it (nearly new, 25k original miles). It’s taking its toll, on the car and me. I’m not a social person, much more of an introvert. All this interaction has had only one effect on me, and that is that I see markedly that everyone is the same. Social class will make them act and speak differently, but they are really the same, or equal, overall. None is better or worse than the next. Few of them seem to be curious about the life they are living.
I have realized something.
I must be doing something that I care about, am passionate about, on a daily basis. Unfortunately, “making money” is still a thing. Or is it? Maybe that is just a thing that developmentally challenged people are still concerned about. If so, please tell me because I’m quite tired of it.
The sun is making progress in his life why cannot I do the same?!